{"id":443,"date":"2012-09-23T23:45:57","date_gmt":"2012-09-23T23:45:57","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/joeplumstead.com\/?p=443"},"modified":"2012-11-08T14:21:57","modified_gmt":"2012-11-08T14:21:57","slug":"crying-fowl","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/joeplumstead.com\/?p=443","title":{"rendered":"CRYING FOWL"},"content":{"rendered":"
There ain’t nobody here but us chickens
\nThere ain’t nobody here at all
\nYou’re stompin’ around
\nAnd shakin’ the ground,
\nYou’re kickin’ up an awful dust<\/em><\/address>\n
—<\/em>Alex Kramer & Joan Whitney<\/address>\n

 <\/p>\n

I live in Waterville, Maine, a small town of about 15,000 people located on the west bank of the Kennebec River. \u00a0It is a near-idyllic place, with tidy homes plotted in neatly trimmed neighborhoods. \u00a0There are enough cultural attractions to allay suspicions that it might be a hick town, but enough remnants of a recent rural past to give it postcard quaintness. \u00a0People are friendly here. \u00a0Neighbors smile and wave. \u00a0It is a reasonable place to live.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Nevertheless, I sense the impending tumult of political discord here. \u00a0Small towns are\u2014or once were\u2014a microcosm of our national character, neither immune nor oblivious to infections of vitriol, ballyhoo or gobbledygook. \u00a0Soon, I fear, Waterville will be consumed by such an infection. \u00a0I will be of no help in stopping it and, very likely, will contribute to its spread.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Last night, the Waterville City Council unanimously voted to allow citizens the right to own chickens. \u00a0It is the first of three times the council will vote on this ordinance. \u00a0If passed in the two upcoming votes, this ordinance will allow citizens to own up to six hens\u2014no roosters allowed\u2014to be housed in coops on property of at least 10,000 square feet. \u00a0Coops will not be allowed in front yards, and are to be located at specified distances relative to their neighbors\u2019 homes and water sources. \u00a0Inspection fees will be required. \u00a0The onus of removing the manure is on the owners of the chickens. \u00a0Chickens, the ordinance says, may only be owned \u201cas pets or for personal use\u201d.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Even before the chicken ordinance came to a vote last night, many of my fellow citizens were writing their opinions\u2014pro and con\u2014to the local newspaper. \u00a0All opinions seemed unyielding, some implying diabolic intentions in either allowing or preventing chicken ownership, while other letters were merely odious diatribes that had nothing at all to do with chickens, eggs or, for all I could tell, anything. \u00a0Such are the aroused passions of modern political discourse.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It seems as if the lines have been drawn. \u00a0Factions are arising, from which fringe elements will likely sprout, touting their particular interests, and crying foul of every utterance against them. \u00a0The outcries of dissonance will deafen all to the benefit of reason and compromise, making the cure-all of time no more than a faint echo of the past repeating itself, clucking and crowing retooled slogans and dogma.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Anti-chicken factions will likely purvey the argument that chickens are loud, filthy animals, capable of attracting vast herds of vermin and predatory varmints to all of the orderly neighborhoods, whereby pets such as cats and dogs\u2014not to mention human toddlers\u2014will be mangled, eaten or infected with rabies. \u00a0Outbreaks of avian flu are a distinct possibility. \u00a0Such a thing occurring would be a calamity requiring a statewide quarantine, collapsing the economy, and forcing change of the unofficial state motto from \u201cthe way life should be\u201d to \u201cthe place where life no longer exists\u201d.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

All of this will arouse radical fringe elements, some of which will note that chickens are descended from dinosaurs and, in fact, are only a few DNA strands shy of being miniature versions of Tyrannosaurus rex. \u00a0They will further note that Godzilla was probably a Tyrannosaurus rex, that it will be a matter of time before chickens develop the ability to expel fiery death rays capable of incinerating everyone and everything in Waterville.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It will be an uphill battle for the pro-chicken faction if this proposed ordinance goes to referendum. \u00a0Proponents of owning chickens will have to arduously promote the benefits of sustainable living. They will note that, in these tough economic times, the cost of erecting and maintaining henhouses will be diffused by a steady supply of fresh eggs and six chicken dinners per year for each owner of chickens, thereby becoming a cost-effective venture in no less than ten generations.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Each generation will enjoy the many benefits of avian husbandry. \u00a0Families will bond in the joyous duties of gathering eggs, raking manure and making compost, promulgating better health and ending obesity as the result of these rigorous activities. \u00a0Children will realize every child\u2019s dream of having more household chores. \u00a0Everyone will bask in the warmth, love and loyalty of their clever pet chickens.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The pro-chicken faction will have its fringe elements also. \u00a0These elements will mire all sensible debate in hypothetical minutia: \u00a0Why are roosters excluded? \u00a0Why only six chickens per household? \u00a0What if an egg inadvertently hatches? \u00a0What if the chick is a rooster? \u00a0Will it be killed? What about people who live in apartment buildings? Why can\u2019t they own chickens too? \u00a0Do chickens really run around after their heads are cut off? Do our children really need to see this? And on and on it will go. \u00a0It would not be too far fetched to believe that this fringe group will attempt to put a rider on this ordinance that would include citizen ownership of rabbits, lizards, snakes\u2014anything that tasted<\/em><\/strong> like chicken\u2014in order to avoid giving anyone a reason to take offense, including the chickens.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

But, of course, none of this will happen, at least not to the caricatured degree that I have described. \u00a0This is Waterville, Maine. \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0It is a reasonable place. \u00a0Governance is a straightforward process here. \u00a0There are debates, inflamed by the passions of factions, but most\u00a0arguments\u00a0seek solutions and are not engaged for their own sake. \u00a0Not everybody gets what he or she wants, precisely as they want it, or exactly when they want it. \u00a0Responsibility takes precedence over blame; and action supersedes the bombast of slogans and dogma. \u00a0There is little taint of money, mysteriously given, and used to curry favor or reward for the benefit of a powerful few. There are no nefarious shadows preparing to darken the well being of all who live here. \u00a0Chickens here, are just chickens.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

But what do I know? \u00a0I am merely an unemployed chef with very little education. \u00a0There are limits to my powers of observation. \u00a0Considering this, I feel that I can confidently make one observation that is indisputable: \u00a0I know the difference between chicken salad and chicken shit.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

There ain’t nobody here but us chickens There ain’t nobody here at all You’re stompin’ around And shakin’ the ground, You’re kickin’ up an awful dust —Alex Kramer & Joan Whitney   I live in Waterville, Maine, a small town of about 15,000 people located on the west bank of the Kennebec River. \u00a0It is […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":433,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[27,6,39,28,10],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-443","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-chicken","category-life","category-maine","category-politics","category-professional-chefs"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/joeplumstead.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/443","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/joeplumstead.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/joeplumstead.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/joeplumstead.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/joeplumstead.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=443"}],"version-history":[{"count":30,"href":"https:\/\/joeplumstead.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/443\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":470,"href":"https:\/\/joeplumstead.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/443\/revisions\/470"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/joeplumstead.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/433"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/joeplumstead.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=443"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/joeplumstead.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=443"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/joeplumstead.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=443"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}